Observing Ashlynn opening the drawer, picking up the sock, then opening the bottom drawer and closing the top drawer in order to put the sock in the bottom drawer — she is learning. The cogs in the mind turn rapidly especially at such a young age. She looks at us for approval or disapproval, sometimes deciding to throw the food on the ground again despite our repeated commands to the contrary. I also observe learning in myself as I do yoga. I learn how to flatten by back and lengthen into the stretch to the point where I no longer have to observe the instructor but instead can focus on breathing. We all are in the state of learning what we are capable of — for instance Ashlynn is physically strong enough and has the balance needed to walk but she believes she can only do it with help right now, she is learning. We are also learning what we are incapable of — for instance when I pull an all nighter I am not physically, emotionally, or mentally capable of maintaining a meaningful conversation until I have had a good nap, I am learning my limits of productivity. 

What are you learning? This week is the first full week of the season known as Lent in the Christian calendar. My favorite times of the Christian calendar are lent and ordinary time because they are rich times for learning. Easter and Christmas we celebrate, advent we wait, and a bunch of the other smaller seasons in the Christmas calendar are ones I need to learn more about to appreciate. But Lent and ordinary time are ones I get and I continue to find them meaningful to reflect on. 

Lent is about fasting. A fast for the Christian is giving up something in order to replace that something with prayer and attention to God. This is a surrendering, a dying practice as we lead up to the remembrance of Jesus’ death on the cross. In fasting we learn much about our desires, the things we give ourselves to like food. I think food is such a natural one to focus on during this season because it is part of our every day experience. Jesus came eating and drinking (Luke 7:34) but he did not let eating control him. The apostle Paul seems to get this point when he says everything is okay but not everything is “beneficial” (1 Corinthians 10:23). Sugar is fine, a good beer or glass of wine all good, but it is when the Reeses peanut butter cups or the glasses of wine become a fix for our bad mood or anxiety then they are far from beneficial. In lent I do not tend to fast from food because I know for me eating habits must be incremental, small micro habit changes and last much longer than just 40 days. I instead turn toward observing and identifying the things in my life I need to start inching away from. Things that will be played out in ordinary time. This is the connection I love between the two. Lent is the 40 day intentional prayer and fasting time with the implications to be lived out in the rest of the calendar year of ordinary time. 

Over the past few years I have come to realize as a straight, white, married male I am in my circles most often in places of privilege and power. This is not immediately a bad thing, since I love to use my responsibility and authority to empower others (examples would be at home with Janel, at church by how I lead and give authority to others). But where it gets tricky is in the understanding that most change does not come from the center of places of power, so in lent the desire to “repent” and change may be difficult. I’m reading Henri Nouwen’s “In the Name of Jesus” again and reminded that I need to move from “leading to being led.” He says “true ministry must be mutual,” speaking about the pastors relationship with their church members and community. As I think about my role and the power and privilege I have this mutuality can sometimes feel threatening to my significance. If I let others do it, will they realize they don’t need me anymore? 

This is where the giving up and fasting of lent needs to culminate in the resurrection celebration of Easter. This is the good news of Easter that the cross is not the final word. Lent reminds us to surrender and die, for me that is to let go of my insecurities about changing my behavior to be one of mutuality and not the expert. The good news is that even in my weakness and death to my identity as an expert Jesus’ love is not based on my power, status, success, or productivity — the love of Christ is enough and so I can live a life of sacrifice and mutuality in the ordinary time as well. 

Nouwen prescribes the disciplines of confession and forgiveness to help us live this laying down of power as Christian leaders. To do this we must first cultivate safe places and confidantes who can receive our confession and offer forgiveness. If you work in a church, I believe there may be someone at your church like this but even if you find them I would highly encourage you begin cultivating this with others in ministry outside your church. For the past six years I have met monthly during the school year with other youth ministers and at different seasons have met more regularly (like I am this year) with one or two different guys from the group. We did not start out with the goal or intention to practice confession or forgiveness but the relationships and vulnerability from sharing our hearts with each other opened the doors for moments when I have needed to express my regrets and things that are amiss. We have been there for each other in times of pain and loss, in celebration and births, and in ordinary nothingness. 

So lent, let’s embrace this fasting time with the intent to unearth habits and changes we need for the ordinary time of our lives. Let’s move from holding onto and maintaining our privileged status and change by cultivating spaces of confession and forgiveness.