“Because I said so…” said every parent ever. The bombardment of questions, especially the question “why” repeated over and over can become wearisome. A recent study from the Harvard Business Review on curiosity says this irritating activity of toddlers and children is actually their brain developing its rational cognitive function. The series of questions they ask is because they are stretching and growing in curiosity about the world and their understanding about how the world functions. Questions are part of their development and maturity. It may seem difficult and overwhelming to deal with the never ending slew of questions from a little toddler (something I am anticipating will require me to grow in my capacity for patience before our daughter reaches this development stage) but it is just as important to their development as a healthy diet. “You cannot have the ice cream before dinner” says the dad to the four year old, “why” she responds. “It will ruin your dinner,” he explains “because if you eat the ice cream you will not be hungry anymore and dinner has things your body needs to grow and be healthy that ice cream does not.” “Why does ice cream not have what I need to grow?” The four year old is relentless, and we have all been there. The beauty of the dad staying in the conversation and explaining is that while the four year old still wants to question why until they get the result they desire, the curiosity journey they go on can be a source for learning and eventual discernment on their own part. Sometimes dads may just give the child ice cream, the resulting question “dad why does my tummy hurt so much” can also be an opportunity for staying with the question, “well because you ate too much ice cream and not enough dinner,” “I was full from the ice cream, why does it taste so good but hurt so bad?” Staying with the questions allows for learning and development. But it is exhausting and tiresome. It requires us as leaders to grow in our ability to sit with and respond to questions rather than prescribing and managing behaviors. The long term result is in our families, organizations, churches, and businesses a culture of curiosity and learning rather than mindless rule following. 

The questions our high school students ask are much more nuanced than the ones of a toddler but at the end of the day they are both growing in maturity through questions. The sad reality is most of our homes and workplaces are not safe spaces for questions. Perhaps even more bleak are the churches many of us participate in do not create environments where questions can be asked. We are at a unique convergence of two world views that are in direct conflict with each other: modernity and post-modernity (or usually referred to as post-modernism or being postmodern). I use post-modernism because it is the more familiar term, however many scholars argue that we are in fact only experiencing late-modernity and cannot truly imagine yet what the new philosophical age will be. Modernity was the birth child of romanticism and enlightenment. Enlightenment is all about reason and rationality. Romanticism was a rebellion to rational thinking, giving us abstract art and focusing on beauty. One way of explaining modernity is the average car commercial: it shows beauty, elegance, perhaps even focusing on things that have nothing to do with the car (a mountain, family, or love story). This is the romanticism coming through but at the same time the commercial features the specifications regarding horse power, dimensions, fuel economy, awards for safety, and a comparison with similar models — not too mention price (albeit in a convoluted way with interest rates and down payment or lease options). Modernity meshes the beauty and hard facts together. Post-modern thinking is often cited as the rejection of meta-narratives. Meta-narratives are grand stories for evaluating and making meaning in the world. So a late-modern or post-modern response to a modern car commercial (a romantic infatuation with reason) might say “well you may think that is beautiful and a logical choice, but I see it differently, to each their own.” In religious, moral, ethical, and political arenas this becomes a lot harder to play out. But this is the very reason many organizations with long held traditions are struggling to pass on those traditions or connect with future generations: the methods which were successful in modernity are being rejected by those who have been raised in a late-modern context. 

The old parenting adage “because I said so” is funny because it is so real. Some may say that tv shows and Hollywood get to shape culture, however I prefer to say that Hollywood reflects culture. Growing up I used to watch old tv shows on TVLand with my cousins when we went to visit them. They were often disgusted by what was being portrayed on contemporary tv shows at the time like Friends. My cousins were committed to watching “wholesome” tv, so I got introduced to reruns of stuff like Leave it to Beaver and The Andy Griffith Show. The family shows today have much in contrast with the Leave it to Beaver shows of the past. Is one more “correct” or “wholesome” than the other? A modern response would be to analyze based on a set of principles, ratings, or some other standard evaluation and render a ruling on which was “correct” or “wholesome.” A post-modern response would be to say it depends on your perspective and goal, each one may be “correct” and “wholesome” depending on the point of view of who is evaluating it. This could feel like relativism to many, but I argue it is not. Remember the rejection of meta-narratives? A modern person does not often realize or admit to subscribing to a narrative that has shaped their point of view. Post-modern’s are highly sensitive to the point of views that shape our evaluation of something. 

Decisions are not just about facts and beauty, there are underlying assumptions and perspectives that shape our point of view, the way we see the world. To say that we can be objective and make decisions with pure reason denies the impact these points of view have on us. While it feels very uncomfortable to say each of us has our own truth, the statement is actually one of the most absolute truths. The unique experiences, places we have grown up, people we have learned from, and beliefs we hold to are what form our truth. And since there is no one exactly the same on the planet this would seem to suggest then there is not one exact same truth on the planet either. So parents, churches, and organizations who have a modernist approach to truth — that there is one absolute universal truth, everything is black and white, right or wrong — have difficulty handling their young people’s questions. 

At the core there are three major questions people ask that Fuller Youth Institute has coined “IBP”: Identity, Belonging, and Purpose. One of my mentors has explained the questions are right, but the order is wrong. The question of: Where do I fit (belonging), is the first question people are asking. It is the spaces we belong that we answer the questions of: who am I (identity) and why am I here (purpose). As a Christian my first priority is to answer the question of belonging with a warm and resounding: yes you are loved and you belong here. Chap Clark calls this “adoptive” ministry. We are all co-siblings with Jesus, our older brother. This means we have all been adopted into the family of God as equals, sisters and brothers. But that is not where many churches and Christians start, many times we start with a beautifully reasoned answer to the question: is there a God. I think the biggest “aha” moment I had during my graduate education in Theology was that we are called to belong before we believe. What might change about the way we respond to the questions in our homes and churches if we actually accepted this challenge to always answer the belonging question before the belief? 

Might it look like this…when our child asks us a repeated set of why questions, we pause and get on their level looking them in the eye face to face as we respond. When we have emptied ourselves of power and dominance to meet them on their level (see Philippians 2:5-11) we “earn the right to be heard” as Young Life founder Jim Rayburn coined. Questions provide us the greatest opportunity to generate trust and learning. In Lean Manufacturing a “Sensei” (Japanese for born first, someone mature who has gone before you) or mentor does not coach by giving solutions but asking questions. One problem solving technique I was taught in my Lean program was to always ask five whys before being confident I understood the root of the problem and began forming solutions. What if the questions our children, young people, students, church members, and neighbors are asking are God’s way of helping us peel back the layers we thought were the problem? What if the solutions we often prescribe fall flat in actually transforming lives because we have not allowed enough questions? What might happen if we cultivated a family, church, and culture where people could belong safely before they believed? What questions might we be missing because of the prerequisites we enforce in order to belong? 

Jesus used questions masterfully to capture the imagination of people. One of the most familiar stories Jesus told was set as an answer to a question. 

²⁵ On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” 

²⁶ “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?” 

²⁷ He answered, “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” 

²⁸ “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.” 

²⁹ But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” 

³⁰ In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. ³¹ A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. ³² So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. ³³ But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. ³⁴ He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. ³⁵ The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’ 

³⁶ “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?” 

³⁷ The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.” 

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

Questions prompt reflection. Jesus could have answered with a specific answer, and many of us would be happier if he had. Instead Jesus asked a question: “which of these three do you think was a neighbor?” We are invited into the story. Jesus asked questions but I believe the beauty is in how Jesus cultivated a life of being questioned. Jesus responded to the expert with a question, but it was the experts own reflection and further question that tees up the Good Samaritan story. The role we are called to play is not one full of answers — lets get real honest, unlike Jesus we are not the Son of God. What Jesus models for us is a life that welcomed and valued questions. 

Identity and purpose are still very important and both spoken to by Jesus and in Scripture. Jesus speaks regarding our “unity” with God and each other and how that unity is our witness to the world. Our identity is in Christ and our purpose is that the world might know Christ. This, I believe is why the Apostle Peter writes: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…” When we live out our purpose we prompt people to ask us questions. So we should not be uncomfortable with the idea that late-modernity and whatever philosophical transition we are in currently involves questions and questioning. Our identity in Christ means we will be asked questions. The important “but” that follows Peter’s articulation of the Boy Scout motto is “do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience…” Another reminder that answering the question of belonging is first. We share and witness to Christ gently and respectful by welcoming people before they believe or are convinced by our answers and experience. 

I am continually surprised by the fear and anxiety provoked by the questions some people raise about Christianity, specifically the Bible. The very same Bible tells stories about a man named Jesus who asked some pretty tough questions about Scripture and religious authority. God is bigger than our questions. God says we belong. 

For Further Study 

See Fuller Youth Institute’s resources Can I Ask That and Growing With

Questions Jesus asked: 

Luke 9:18,20 NIV

[18] Once when Jesus was praying in private and his disciples were with him, he asked them, “Who do the crowds say I am?” [20] “But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?” Peter answered, “God’s Messiah.”

Mark 9:33-34 NIV

[33] They came to Capernaum. When he was in the house, he asked them, “What were you arguing about on the road?” [34] But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.

Luke 18:6-8 NIV

[6] And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. [7] And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? [8] I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

Matthew 10:29 NIV

[29] Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.

John 8:10 NIV

[10] Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

Matthew 7:4 NIV

[4] How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

Acts 9:3-4 NIV

[3] As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. [4] He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”

Luke 19:22 NIV

[22] “His master replied, ‘I will judge you by your own words, you wicked servant! You knew, did you, that I am a hard man, taking out what I did not put in, and reaping what I did not sow?

Matthew 12:48 NIV

[48] He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?”

Luke 6:46 NIV

[46] “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?

Matthew 23:17 NIV

[17] You blind fools! Which is greater: the gold, or the temple that makes the gold sacred?

Luke 10:36 NIV

[36] “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

John 21:17 NIV

[17] The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep…”